Thursday, December 28, 2006


Got through Christmas. My plan to comfort eat myself stupid worked perfectly.

Have spent most of the festive week downloading things and then transferring them to DVD and then copying the DVD's so both me & my mum have a copy. This has taken over my life. At night I think about it: What speed has it downloaded, how many re-writable discs do I have left? Can I re-download the episodes that won't burn? It's been at 93% for a long time now, has it frozen? I need my life* back.

I have to get back to Cornwall. I hate Stoke.

But what the f**K am I going to do for New Year.

Phobia of the day: Emetophobia — fear of vomiting.

* I define my own terms.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

The Spirit Of Christmas

Unbelievable as it was, I was actually having a smooth train journey. Travelling back on a Friday and just before Christmas, everything had been comfortable and not too badly crowded.

But then, as I reached the final leg of my journey, and my last change at Birmingham, I yanked my case from the others in the rack, dragged it outside, checked that I had everything, and discovered I did not have any of my train tickets - part of which was my open return ticket.

People were crowding into the carriage, how was I to retrieve my ticket? I spoke to a man on the platform (a knob), he tells me to tell the train manager at the other end of the train, which is too far away and would require me to leave my case. I try to get into the carriage but the crowds won't disperse and I have to get off before the doors close.

All I have is the first part of my ticket used as bookmark in Tom Baker's Autobiography, so I can at least get all the way to Stoke. When I get there, I go to most well hidden customer service counter in the world, and plee for their help in getting a replacement ticket. But their computer system is down, the train can't be contacted, and the tickets can't be replaced because they were my responsibility. I plead with them, this is a £70 ticket, can they at least take my number and get in touch with the train when they can.

Instead, the guy there says he'll do what he's not allowed to do, write me out a replacement ticket, because it's Christmas.

Proof if any that the Christmas spirit is still alive. And that not everyone who works for Virgin trains is a w****r.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Days Of Loaded III

Sorted and distributed the mail like a pro. Given my best job so far: I went to collect the editor’s dry-cleaning. Later I got to make a photocopy of the whole new edition of the magazine. Then I started researching kiss and tell stories for men who used to go out with famous woman. It was not a good day.

Somehow ended up in the pub with all the writers, and found myself sat awkwardly to the editor and the deputy editor. They were talking about the editor’s friend who works for the sun, where behind the scenes the serial killer had been dubbed THE SUFFOLK-ATOR, but not even the sun was brave enough to put that on the cover.

They asked me what I was up to and I told them about how that afternoon I was going to be filling up boxes to send to the archive – I got to make the boxes in the evening. He said I ought to be doing something better (the man whose dry cleaning I collected).

Helped to clear out the cupboards to help do their Christmas sale of unwanted promotional stuff. I hulked a heavy trolley to the floor below where the selection wasn’t spectacular. When what good things they had were sold, I was sent back to get the editor to empty out his office. We found a sandwich toaster, full sized Predator head and then there was this stereo. The editor didn’t want it, the features editor didn’t want it, did I want it? All ill will suddenly forgotten…

My computer password expired. While I waited for it to be renewed I asked if there was anything I could do that didn’t involve a computer. The deputy editor suggested I should go through the newspapers and try to find anything that might make a good story, and if I found anything, I could write it. My big chance had come at last!!! Unfortunately, a moment later, one of the guys from the picture desk sent me to Oxford Circus to fetch some DVDs they needed screen shots from. When I returned the computer was working again and I went back to my research into robots. Sigh.

Finally got all the bloody table top game pictures and most of the desired camping gear was delivered and completed. They said they’ll post the stereo too me. They seemed genuinely pleased with me when I left, although I’m sure they say the whole ‘keep in touch’ thing to everyone. I was told to arrange a return visit with the office manager and although I’ve been pretty sarcy about it, it was worth doing and I might get trusted some new tasks if I go again. They might even let me feed the fish.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Days Of Loaded @

Day four is a blur. It involved research on Shanghai I think, and there’s a blur of elevators and floor I took things to and from.

Sorted and distributed the mail. Sent out to buy the ingredients for an expensive Christmas pudding – just for a photograph, no pudding was being made. Found out that Marks & Spensers at Marble Arch had the biggest food court but they don’t sell things like flour!!! or sugar !!! So I go to Selfridges next door where I can’t find anything cos they’re in funny places – raisins in the Mediterranean section? Still all the ingredients are not there and the Selfridges manager tells me to go to Waitrose in Marylebone high st. Is there one there? Is there fuck!!!

Sorted and distributed the mail. Whisked off to Leicester Sq with one of the writers to buy a chefs hat and apron, then to his home in North London to collect some supermarket curries, then to an award winning curry house in Hackney where they were tasted by an expert. I took the photos. Then back to central London to buy an £8 curry (no rice) from Selfridges and then back to the office. As a writer I feel very proud to be getting a photographers credit in the magazine.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Days Of Loaded

Sorted and distributed the mail. Got security pass. Forgot which floor was I going back to and had to go back to reception to find out. Researched the life story of Jimmy Savile. All the features team went to pub at dinner and did't come back. Had nothing to do. They sent me home early.

Sorted and distributed the mail. Sent down to reception repeatedly to fetch models to the office. Sent to local newsagent to buy £40 worth of porn to help compile their porn-a-likes section. Phoned companies to try and blag free equipment for a travel adventure feature. Then compiled a list of ten table top games and the websites that sold them and then contacted each one to get a photograph. Savile unused.

Sorted and distributed the mail. A nice feature writer wrote me a map of the office to show me who was who and where they were sat - this will make things much easier in future. Researched strange valentines gifts. Chased up the equipment enquiries and table games photo's - three now retrieved. May get two free backpack and might be allowed to keep one. Researched more valentines gifts - may have gone overboard. Researched the life and times of the rapper Ludacris.

Oh and I passed by the way.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Oncoming Onset Of Panic

Tomorrow is results day. The culmination of a whole years work *

Now I know I've passed, but what about that elusive Distinction?

My current average is at 65%, so I'd need about 78 + to acheive it. So likely, it isn't. Although for my last assessment I got 68% for my portfolio and in theory it should be better this time around, it does seem unlikely. It will probably be frustratingly close...

However, this Monday I start my work placement at Loaded magazine. As you can no doubt tell from this blog and my general colossal sexual prowess that I'm right in the middle of the Loaded target audience and will make for an extremely valuable member of their team, although I do make a shit cup of coffee.

*this is my own special definition of the word 'work'

Friday, November 24, 2006

My Mother...

My mother sent me this joke the other day:

Ron the rooster was the biggest, toughest, meanest rooster in the world. He spent all his time beating up all the other animals on the farm. One day he picked on the farmyard cat. Unfortunately for the rooster, the cat beat the crap out of him, which proves NO MATTER HOW BIG THE COCK IS, A PUSSY CAN ALWAYS TAKE IT*

You just, you don’t want that from your mum, you just don’t.

I’m gonna have to have a word with her again….

*yes, she did write that in capitals.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Me + Train = Bad

One: Falmouth to Stoke-on-Trent

When my train arrived at Truro I was surprised to find that the first three carriages had all the windows blacked out and were all unavailable. It turns out that an earlier train hadn’t made it all the way down to Penzance and they’d had to get what ever train they could.

The night train.

All the passengers, this was a Friday so we are a talking a lot of passengers, had to squeeze into three first class carriages. So I spent the next two hours sat on a bike rack desperately needing the toilet because the closest one was out of order and there were dozens upon dozens of people between me and the next one. The conductor personally handed out complaints forms along with pre-paid envelopes to send them. How kind.

Two: Blythe Bridge – Sheffield.

You’d think when no matter which direction the train is going, I could still get to my destination, that I would be okay. The train toward Stoke leaves five minutes earlier than it used to so I miss that one. Then the next one, half hour later going toward Derby, is cancelled without any warning. Blythe Bridge is bus stop style station with an information point which can’t be trusted: the point said nothing about the cancelled train only that the next train to Stoke was going to be ten minutes late. It arrived twenty minutes late, a jolly hour and twenty after I arrived at the station.

Three: Stoke-on-Trent – Truro

No bad incidents but because we were taking an unusual diversionary route, they’d overestimated the time, so we waited ten minutes at Bristol and Twenty at Taunton because the train was too early!!!

I was in Sheffield to see Muse. They were understandably excellent. I stayed at a friends of a friends house, he’d given us the key but not told us about the alarm. After half hour of noise he phoned back with the code.

Well my new button is still firmly fastened, I was genuinely distraught however, when the coats other button came off during my trip. DAMN IT

Monday, November 13, 2006

My Achievements

Sadly, - the website put together by myself & my fellow, now former*, students at University College Falmouth, did not win the Guardian Student Media Award - we came second.

I also failed to win, or come runner-up, in Radio 4 sketch writing competition.

But just when I thought I was a failure...

Whilst participating in the Penryn Seven Stars pub quiz, me and my fellow teammates came across a real stinker in the picture round.

We were given a selection of pictures which represented certain phrases or words, which we had to decipher. For example:

This is Tow(e) truck

Having got almost all of them right, we found ourselves struggling on the final picture.

What on earth was the answer?

Becoming desperate, I began to scrape the barrel with suggestions like Re-cow-very or Catt-ill.

But what was the answer? Oh yes dear reader, I got it...

Music (moo-sick)

You see! I am a winner after all!!!

Of course we only came joint third on the whole scheme of things, but I was the only person who got that answer, so I rule!!!

ENFORCED AMENDMENT: I have been asked to point out that my professional writing colleague, Ruth Underwood, made a significant contribution by getting all the answer correct in a test on the sign language alphabet**

I also managed this week to successfully sow a button on my jacket. It's not the same colour as the other one but another acheivement nevertheless.

*they took away my HMV discount - bastards

** Happy now Andrew

Monday, November 06, 2006

Adventures In a Budget Hotel In Shepherds Bush

I decided to treat myself while I was in london and decided to stay in a hotel. I went onto, found the cheapest hotel with the best customer rating and booked it. Even then it seemed too easy.

I got the Euro-Hotel in Shepherds Bush. 3.9 out of 5 and £35 a night - sounded okay.

So I get there on Friday and check in, the room doesn't have a wardrobe but it has a big double bed and lovely large bathroom with a massive bathtub.

But it's supposed to have wireless and I need to get on the net to get direction to the public records office. So I tell the guy in reception and he moves me to another room. Bad idea

I should never have excepted it but because I was being a nuissance I did and I immediatly regretted it. The room was right next to reception, in fact it was the old reception. There was a little window looking out into the lobby with a blind pulled over it.

So that night it was noisy, and the cramped little room was boiling despite having the windows open. The radiator was only warm, how could it be so hot? Of course no ones drained it in a long time, the bottom half is on full.

So I complained and got moved again. This time to a room in a different part of the building, nice room again, even has a fridge. No wireless but I just want to have a quiet room and no fuss.

The next morning there's a knock on my door at around 9:40. The boilers in my room and it needs to be turned off. Guy comes in and leaves. Then I just happen to be about in the evening relaxing and man comes in again to turn if back on.

The next day the knock comes at 8:20. Obviously this p****d me off rather a lot.

On my final night I attached the following note to my door.

To Whoever this may concern
I do not intend to be woken up
AGAIN so that someone can get to
the boiler. I have bolted this door
and do not intend to allow access
until 9:45 at the earliest. Do not
knock you will be ignored.
I was not bothered that morning and nobody came to turn it off before I left my key in the door and left. Shame really, cos it ought to have been quite a nice place.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

F**k I'm not a student anymore

Last Friday something terrible and deeply shocking happened - I stopped being a student.

It was a harrowing affair. I handed in 40,000 words to an office and suddenly it was all over. My right to sit and my arse and do fuck all - gone. my ability to get a pound off shades night club in falmouth - my ability to get a pound of the falmouth arts cinema - remains as long as they continue not to check the card properly, my 10% HMV discount - fraudulantly still active.

So I had a weeks holiday to recouperate. It's hard work not working very hard.

Here is a list of things I tried to do but failed to.

London Dungeon - half term = massive queues, the book in advance fast track queue was longer than the normal queue
Cartoon Museum - couldn't find it, then it was too late to go.
Comedy Store - sold out
Photo exhibition - not running in the evening
London Film Festival - all events on that night were shite

I also went to the public hall of records to find some trial records for a radio play I hope to write.
The file I wanted, described as being 'essential to study', was of course being used. So I went back on Monday, still in use.

This has lead me to create my theory of passport photography, photograph quality depends on usage.

My provisional drivers license, my only official ID had an awful, discoloured photograph of my with DVLA written over my mouth to make me look like I have metal teeth. I have to use this card all the time. Whether as my public records card, which I will probably only ever use once again, best bloody ID photo ever taken.

Coming soon... Adventures in a budget Shepherds Bush Hotel.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Fact Fourteen

Factosis level: High (a seatbelt is advised)

The name John Doe or Jane Doe, popularly used as place holder name when the identity of an individual (often a corpse) in American, in fact originates from a legal case during the reign of Richard III

There was a legal debate 0ver the Act Of Enablement. The debate involved a hypothetical landowner John Doe and the man he leased his land to, Richard Roe, who then took the land as his own.

These names had no particular significance other than perhaps that a Doe is a female deer and that Roe is another species of deer.

The case would become a landmark in legal history and the names became commonly used as a generic standin for a person unknown.

Quote of the day: At the age of six years I wanted to be a chef. At the age of seven I wanted to be Napoleon. My ambitions have continued to grow at the same rate ever since - Salvidor Dali

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Award Thingy

That student course website that I write for has just been nominated for the guardian media award for best student website.

Well f**k me.

I of course am the person who currently holds the record for most peices submitted to the website in this award nominating year. This will be the platform on which I shall attempt to take all the credit. Not that I imagine that will get me the spare ticket that's floating around for the award ceremony.

I also entered a radio four sketch writing competition this week. The top fifty entrants get a sketch writing workshop. If I'm not in this top 50 I probably ought to finish myself off.

I just want to win something. People around my are winning things and getting jobs and I ain't got s**t. My bastard bald friend Colonel Kian Northcote even won a bloody mountain bike right in front of me the other day.

Winning thesvenhunter blog's caption competition doesn't count. I won a 1p from that!

Monday, October 09, 2006

Chuffing Charity

This book thing I was working on a while ago has arrived in book shops around Cornwall.

It's called 'We Wish' a book to raise money for the NSPCC. It's made up of kids stories (which are very good) from a competition, a great deal of the leg work having being done by myself and some of my colleagues at Falmouth College.

But are we credited for our labours?

The students of University College Falmouth get a credit. But did all of them contribute to the book? Did 4000+ students do something to help this charity. No I don't think they did, I think it was six of us writing students, 4 by the end, and a group of illustration students, who are all individually credited I should point out.

All I wanted was to pick up the book show to someone and say 'Look, there's my name. That's me, I gave my time to working hard on getting this book published. I selflessly gave my time up for it, look that's my name, see how great I am for doing this important work for no personal gain whatsoever to myself, look, that's me.'

Apparently it's selling well and raising lots of money for starving kids or something.

There's going to be christmas single to go with it, featuring local children's choirs: sick bags on standby.

Why do charity songs have to be so agonising. Just donate the cost of the single to the NSPCC rather than suffer.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006


So I'm bed a few days ago, (when I say that I don't wish to suggest I haven't been in bed since I only wish to suggest that these events took place in the past) and enjoying a fantasy role playing dream, when there was a loud knock at the door, interrupting my aggressive discussion with a large mobster lizard.

Being the sensible considerate person that I am I thought f**k it I'm not getting up to answer it. But no one else did either. And they kept knocking.

So I got upto answer it but couldn't find my keys. So I went back to bed where 10 minutes later the knocking came back. Still didn't know where my keys were so I ignored it again.

Then eventually, I got up and had a shower. The girl who lives upstairs and her boyfriend arrived during that time so if this person knocks again they can answer it.

But when I'm back in my room I hear the knocking again. Can't answer it now because I'm not dressed. Obviously the girl upstairs has come on go because no one else is answering it.

The knocking carries on at regular intervals and I don't want to answer it now because they'll know I've been ignoring them. I get ready to leave, but they knock just before I go into the hall. I wait a few moments and then leave.

As I lock the door and leave someone shouts my name. It's the girl upstairs's boyfriend. He's been looking for her and knocking for ages. I say I just came home for my laptop. Is she in? I don't think so, but I'll check. After all I wouldn't be sure if she if I'd only popped back a minute.

So I go upstairs and her doors open. I knock on and hear voices and moving inside. I can see through the crack between the door and the frame.

She's in bed with another man.

She's clothed thankfully, though he has his shirt off. Whosits at the door I say. Don't let him in, she say's.

So I go back down stairs, and even though I've been a conspicously long time I say that she's not there. He reluctantly accepts and walks away.

I go the opposite direction. Which is also the opposite direction I want to be walking in.

If I'd just answered the bloody door in the first place...

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Look At Me I'm Wonderful

My talents have finally been recognised, well by a small select number of people anyway.

I've made my first short film, well when I say made, I wrote it and appeared in it. It was made by myself and group of my fine, fine colleagues at university college Falmouth.

And it's rather good if I may say so myself.

And I do, frequently.

Watch it here

Quote of the day: "I intend to be a freak for the rest of my life, and I shall baffle you with cabbages and rhinoceroses in the kitchen with incessant quotations from "Now We Are Six" through the mouthpiece of Lord Snooty's giant poisoned electric head. So theeeeeere......... "

Vyvian Stanshall of the Bonzo Dog Band

Monday, September 25, 2006

The Legend of Mrs Baggit

There are many, many myths and legends that surround and take place within the rustic county of Cornwall. This is one of the lesser known, more modern legends....

Back in the early 50's, a lone widower, Mrs Irma Baggit, was bothered and rather upset about the amount of litter being left outside her little rural cottage. She would spend hours clearing up this rubbish and taking care of the dry stone walls and hedge rows. But still the litter would gather.

Then one fateful day in June she happened to catch some school children carelessly dropping the paper from their half eaten portion of chips across the road. Angrily and hastily she dashed out of her house, brandishing a broom to threaten the young boys. But she was so hasty that she did not notice the juggernaut lorry speeding down the road.

The lorry flattened her, crushing every tiny bone in her body and making an unbarable bloody mess across her precious road. She was dead.

But her spirit could not rest, not while her precious roadside was being littered. So she went away from the light and became the vengeful spirit of street cleanliness. She sought out the boys who befouled the road outside her house with their chip wrappings.

Both boys awake the next morning in extreme pain. During the night one of each of their kidneys had been removed mysteriously (she had dreamed of being a surgeon in a previous life before being supressed by the oppressive male governmental regime).

And thus the terror of Baggit began. Chewing gum leavers found the fingers nails torn out during the night. A news paper dropper found his big toes taken clean off, both unawares during the night.

To combat this wave of terror the council wisely hit upon a campaign to combat littering in which Mrs Baggit became the symbol of clean roadways across Cornwall, her smiley face appearing on signs in laybys across the whole county.

This lead to the end of the attacks but in recent years the campaign has faded into memory and been forgotten and only a few of Mrs Baggit's warning signs still exist.

Although the legend has died down we should by no means be complacent, as this group of spritely youths discovered.

This photograph sees them openly mocking the Baggit legend as afterward they had a beach barbecue and did not clean up after themselves. They awoke next day to find their arms and legs tied together with extracts of their own intestines.

So you have been warned. Don't drop litter or else the Baggit will get ya!

Quote of the day: "Anybody that's involved in a workshop and isn't a light engineer, is a twat" - Alexei Sayle.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Vengeance Sweet Vengeance

I forgot when I left my old residence to vent my spleenful of hatred, in regard to my old landlord, all over this blog.

I used to reside in pleasant, but thoroughly dull, town of a Penryn, lodging in a house with possibly one of the most small-minded and petty individuals I have ever had the misfortune of not assaulting.

A man dull enough to place under every light switch in the house a little sticker saying 'Please turn off when not in use'. A man who described in great detail to one of my housemates who she could twist the bolt and open the front door by using only one hand if she was carrying something. A man who gave us a two hour discussion on how the house was kept clean and provided with a two sided printed table of how all the tasks were variously divided up between us, with an ascent on how many he did himself.

There are many tales I could tell of this petty man. There was one time when I decided not to put the recycling from the kitchen in the bin to be collected the following morning because the bin was already full. I came to the kitchen later for my evening snack, he had placed his carbboard sign (he kept one ready in a draw) telling us we needed to take the recycling out, determined not to do it himself. So I thought f**k it and did. Ten minutes later I him, from my bedroom window, checking that I've done it right. No what was the bloody point of him making me do it if he's still going out to check??? In a sense he was right to check, I had deliberatly placed it precariously on the top in the hope it would blow away in the strong wind and he'd have to pick it up in the morning. And to top it off they didn't take it because we'd put out too much.

To stick with the recycling, I was in a rush once and tipped all my empty coke cans into the bin without crushing them. When I got back he'd crushed them himself and left them in front of the gate for me to see what he'd done and what I was supposed to do. I promptly stepped over them and left them for him to pick up, which he did.

I'd say this anal attitude was due to him having a small penis but his girlfriend is fifteen years younger than him and I hardly thinks its likely she's spends time with him for the sparkling conversation.

I tried my hardest not to leave any stone unturned when I left his residence, having been given a three page letter on the various ways I was to clean up my room. Unfortunatly there is simply no way to fight somewhat operating on such a petty, small minded, beaurocrating, patronsing level so I ended losing £30.

This wasn't a great loss and aggrovated as I was I decided to let it go. However just last week I bumped into one of my fellow housemates who had a long discussion about his deposit with this man on moving out the house, which had sent the landlord into a tantrum. Afterward he threw away all the unclaimed mail for both him and myself, which included bank statements. This is very serious and has reawakened my thirst for vengeance.

So I have decided to hit back. Not hard when it comes to such a petty man. So I'm going to inundate him with internet ordered free samples. So far I've ordered him:

A whiskers kitty starter pack.
A copy of pyschic magazine.
Free pet food samples
An information pack about 'Gut Week', which took place in August.

More will follow....

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Fact Thirteen

Factosis level - medium to high
The critically panned 2005 film of 'Fantastic Four' was not actually the first film outing for the comic hereos.

In 1994, low budget film supremo Roger Corman made a low cost version of the film but despite getting a release certificate of PG and a marketing campaign of publicity poster etc the film was never released.

The exact reason why is not known. It is thought that it may have been produced as an 'aschan copy' - they produced a film so the studio could keep hold of the rights (the opinion held by Stan Lee) until it was ready to make a big budget picture

The film still remains unreleased despite rumours that it might be released with the new film DVD.

A website article features an supposed way to get the film. This can be done by donating $20 to a charity trying to raise money for the many animal/pet victims of Hurricaine Katrina

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

In the Year 1995...

Sandon High School Year 7 Report for David Paul Nixon

Mathematics: Level 4 65% David works quietly but effectively and is making good progress. He works well in class and with homework but must continue to try and work on his presentation. He’s a sensitive, well-motivated and pleasant pupil.

Science: 44% David has steadily improved his contribution to class reviews over the year. He now needs to improve the presentation of his good book work.

English: 57% level 3, David is a very quiet pupil who lack confidence in his own ability. His reading is somewhat hesitant and the presentation of his work is generally untidy. He does however have plenty of ideas which he does not succeed in committing to paper.

Technology: 85% An excellent exam result which reflects David’s academic ability. His theoretical and written work have been good but he was not at all organised in his practical, in fairness this was not helped by his accident.

History: 77% David is a conscientious and hard-working boy who is a pleasure to teach. This is an excellent result for him.

Geography: 78% There has been a pleasing and steady improvement in the standard of David’s performance during the year. He has settled, avoided distractions and begun to gain confidence. His examination performance was very pleasing despite being weakened by a poor section on weather.

French: David is capable of producing some good work in French. His confidence is improving slowly and with careful checking, especially of spellings, he could be successful in this subject.

Music: 79% A good exam result. David has worked well in class and has produced some good work.

Art: 52.8% David has ability in this subject. His efforts have been somewhat erratic. Practice is essential in observational studies gained in homework and class tasks. Satifactory.

P.E.: David needs to become more involved in all activities if we are to see any distinct improvement in performance. A more determined effort is required next year.

R.E. 57% David needs to improve the both the quality and content of his written work. At times David is slow to settle but is generally making good progress.

Form Tutor Comments: David has adjusted well to school routine and is progressing well in his studies. Clearly the presentation of his work is an area that he must address.

Head teacher Comments: This report contains some very encouraging & pleasing results of which David can feel proud. I hope that he will continue to build on these successes & that he will grow in confidence. Attention needs to be given to the rules of presentation.

Pupil Comments & Action Plan: I must improve my presentation in particular. I will concentrate on my handwriting. I also could have done better in my exams if I’d revised more. Besides my presentation I think I’ve done quite well.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The Curse of Me

Luck has never really been kind. Fate pisses upon my personal bonfire on an almost daily basis.

Besides my Telly/Video braking the day before my birthday, I was recently faced with a new scenario which would make me shake my head and cry 'typical'.

I have developed financial security due to not very pleasant circumstances. What I don't really have to worry about, or have crave right about now, is money.

So what do I find lying in the road, whilst on my way to the train station. What do I see tightly wrapped together?

50 quid, two 20's and a 10 pound note.

You know how much I would've killed to have found that kind of money two months ago when I couldn't even get any of the crappiest McJobs in the area? How much I would've loved to have 50 pounds to buy all those new albums that I've been desperatly wanting but could no longer afford. And now when I just don't need it.

I spent ten pounds buying lunch, paying for my train ticket, and buying a bit of food. I donated the remaining £40 to the British Heart Foundation because they mays as well benefit from my totally innappropriate luck!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

I Made Up A New Game

Yes that's write, I have invented an exciting new word game.

It's called 'The New Single by the Cheeky Girls Game'. You have to come up with the next single for that ingenious and sophisticated girl duo, the Cheeky Girls, by inserting the word cheeky into a popular title, scoring extra points afterward if you can get the word 'bum' in there as well.

To illustrate here are a few examples.

There is a bum and it never goes cheeky
The Cheeky drugs don't work
Hit me baby, one more cheeky time
Bum Action (I believe in cheeky)
If you tolerate this, your cheeky bum will be next
Hit me with your cheeky stick
The more you ignore me, the cheekier I get
Cheeking my religeon
My cheek bum don't lie
What's cheeky bum got to do with it
My cheeky bum will go on
Sorted for bums and cheeky
It's a cheeky sin
I would do anything for you cheeky bum (but I won't let you stick your finger up mine)

Why not have a go for yourself

Monday, August 21, 2006

Nixon in Da House

I received the first monetary inheritance from my late fathers estate this week. The only circumstances in which a large cash bonus would not have leaping around the room with delirious, moist-mouthed excitement.

Sadly this substantial cheque has been made out to D J Nixon.

Not D P Nixon

And as I not the sort of person to pump out bangin choons to warm people up for the impending weekend, I will be sending this cheque back.

Quote of the Day:

"Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy." - Spike Milligan

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Fact Twelve

Factosis level: Medium

The American mafia began in response to the actions of a group of men known as 'The Black Hand'. The Black Hand would attack and vandalise any business that were becoming too prosperous. They would send mail which would be signed with a black hand stamped at the bottom, in the years before fingerprinting.

Hence the term 'blackmail'.

Okay it's pretty short but very interesting I think.

What! you think I just sit around all day pissing around on wikipedia just to find out useless pieces information to fill the empty void that is my soul.

It's two hours a day max.

What the f**k do you want from me.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Important Historical Documents Discovered!

Whilst sorting through the piles of papers present at my father's house, a number of important, and valuable, historical documents were discovered. Their contents have been reproduced here for you interest.

Year 4
Language: David has sown in improvement in this area and is gaining confidence. He reads in a fluent style, his comprehension skills have shown improvement. Handwriting haphazard but he is making efforts to improve. Gaining confidence within a group situation

Mathematics: During this year David has gained confidence in this area and this has resulted in a a surge of interest

Science: David has shown enthusiasm for the science based topics we have pursued during the year.

D.T.: Has interesting plans and designs but finds some difficulty in executing them.

History: Enjoys historical topics.

Geography: He is interested in the worlds and its problems.

Art: David has made great progress, he has the confidence to try out new mediums.

Music: David shows interest and always tries hard. A helpful boy.

Physical Education: David hs worked quietly and well. He has gained in his confidencee and made good progress.

Religous Education: He is sympathetic towards other peoples problems.

Class Teachers Comments: David has become more involved with class activities during the year, taking responsibilities upon himself, when he sees the need.

Head Teachers Comments: It has been good to see David become less detached from the class. I want to see this continue. Good boy.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Woe, Woe and Thrice Woe

We had the funeral on Friday. Possibibly the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'd been trying so hard to get through all this that I hadn't really had to face until them. So instead of the funeral making me feel better I actually feel worse now.

Got pretty drunk that evening. Sang 'People Are Strange' by the Doors at karaoke because that's easy to sing when your throat is buggered. I don't think I sang it very well but because I was so pissed I wasn't nearly as nervous as I usually am so it came of ok.

The whole evening ended with my and the two Chris's eating Tesco Ice Cream on the park. Felt like crap in the morning, only the second time in history I've had a headache with my hangover. Not even an English breakfast could cure it.

The trip back was thankfully smooth (for once - an hour and a half late on my journey up). But I had hoped that things would get back to normal once I got back to Falmouth but I don't really feel any better. Because things won't ever be the same again.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Stephen Nixon 1951 - 2006

My father died last week, which as you can imagine came as a bit of a blow. It was a heartattack that took him in the end. He'd been unwell since he was diagnosed with high blood pressure in October but more so when he suffered a stroke over Christmas. Though he was recovering, the inactivity of not being at work made his recovery slow.

I somehow knew I'd be getting the call sometime in the not to far distant future and I knew the second I got a phone call from my brother (he never phones me) that it had happened.

The funeral will take place this Friday. It's all been arranged by a local Undertaker who I'm not sure I can forgive for discussing the arrangements at my mums house whilst wearing Bart Simpson socks and having a mobile that shouts 'Hello Moto' when it rings. Nice fella though. It's just going to be a simple affair unless of course someone has invented the concept of 'Pimp My Funeral' and enters us, but I somehow doubt that.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Fact Eleven

It is generally know that John Cleese's character of Basil Fawlty was based on an actual hotelier in Torquay.

The man in question was John Sinclair who amongst many things, once throw a bus timetable at a guest who asked when the next bus was, through Eric Idle's suitcase behind a wall in the garden because it was ticking (Idle had an alarm clock in it) and criticised Terry Gilliam's eating habits for being too American because he was holding a fork in the wrong hand. He also employed, and abused, cheap foreign labour.

It was rumoured that Sinclair had emigrated to Canada to escape being hounded by fans and the press but died in Torquay in 1981, by coincidence Basil Fawlty spoke fondly of emigrating to Torquay should ever escape his wife Sybil. Sinclair supposedly died a bitter man.

Relatives of Mr Sinclair have criticised the his portrayal in the programme but many of those who worked for him have sited many incidents as ludicrous, if not more so, than those shown in the programme. His two daughters who have both said the Cleese's portrayal was accurate, the eldest daughter moved to the United States to escape her parents, who pulled her out of School at the age of twelve to work full time at the hotel.

In other news: Shock - I received a letter, posted to my old address a week after changing with them mind, from the bank saying my, left at the cashpoint, ten pounds had been found and returned to my account.

Less encouraging is the continuing absense of a DrWho boxset from doorway. I have started the complaints procedure against the seller. Apparently I'm covered upto £120 but this may include a £15 charge...

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Initial Stealing Bastards!

Those of you who have known me for a while will know of my master scheme to construct a parcel company, 'Direct Parcel Network', after my own initials DPN.

A company so good I literally put my initials on it.

But only now do I discover some other bloody company has stolen my initials and taken them as their own.

Damn you Digital Peninsula Network!!!

I shall bring them down from the inside by applying for a job as marketing officer there!

The phobia of the day is Paraskavedekatriaphobia - fear of Friday the 13th

Monday, July 10, 2006

First-Greatwestern Admit Fiction Train Concerns

Dear Mr Nixon

Thank you very much for your correspondence concerning your journey between Penryn Cornwall and Stoke-on-Trent on 10 June 2006-07-10

I’m really sorry that the length of your train journey was longer than you expected it to be. Our colleagues at Network Rail have a programme of engineering work in place at the weekend and as a result train timings are generally longer than those in the week. For this reason, and because late notice changes are often needed, we strongly advise customers to check journey times with or with national rail enquiries, before they travel*.

At times of engineering work we are unable to offer discounted tickets and make seat reservations** until Network rails confirm the re-timings of the amended services. Re-timings may not be completed until the day before travel.

Customers who purchase tickets in advance are then sold the normal standard fare, which is what happened in your case.

In view of your experience I would like you to accept the enclosed travel vouchers*** for £19.00****, which you can use over the next twelve months.

We do appreciate your feedback on our level of service and for taking the time to writing to us

Yours sincerely


Customer Relations

*Assumes I have the internet or that the person at National Rail will have a half reasonable grasp of English and dammit if they move or cancel a train why don't they contact me!

**Some people did have reservations. Why not print tickets closer to the day when reservations are available, though this is difficult if your train doesn't exist.

***There's just the one voucher

****How did they arrive at the figure of £19, via the Virgin Trains conpensation calculating dart-board perhaps?

*****Double-barrelled - not to be trusted

Saw Divine Comedy at Somerset House on Thursday, they were wicked as per usual.

Quote of the Day: "Years ago, I saved up a million dollars from acting—a lot of money then—and I spent it all on a horse farm in Tucson. Now when I go down there, I look at the place and I realize my whole acting career adds up to a million dollars worth of horseshit.” - Robert Mitchum

Friday, July 07, 2006

Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen

Me unlucky? Or misfortunate? Or just plain stupid?

I don't like to think of myself as a mixture of the three but the facts are there.

Bad/irritating/bloody stupid things that have 'appened to me this last week.

1: Withdrew £10 from a cash machine and walked off without out actually taking the £10 note. Second time this year. I then went to the bank to report it, because there's a chance that it wasn't taken, but the woman on the desk didn't know how to file this report and didn't even know such a report existed. She sent me to the bank with the cashpoint in question to ask if they could check, which I knew was the the wrong thing to do and I was right and came straight back again. The real problem is that no one else in the bank knew how to fill out this report and at one point this woman claimed I hadn't taken any money out of that cashpoint at all until I pointed out to her that she was looking at my records on the wrong day.

I don't think I'm going to get this back.

2: I've just moved (you'll gonna hear more about that) and I've been sending my mail to 26 Vernon Place. Unfortunatly I've moved into number 29. I could've just gone to their house and asked them to pass on any mail. Only that no26 doesn't exist.

I had won the new Doctor Who Series 1 boxset off ebay. Having paid by cheque I had a good chance off stopping it from going to this address. Thankfully I had actually had it sent to the right address. Unfortunatly the seller has just been suspended from ebay for not sending people the things they've bought.

I don't think I'm going to get that boxset. Still though did you see Dr Who last week? Daleks vs the Cybermen! It's like a big fans wet dream*

3: The curse of I-pod struck again and DavepodV fell into a critical condition. Having calmed down I decided to wait till I was in London this week, so I could confront the apple staff with this continueing failure. So I get an appointment, approach the counter, get out the I-pod and what happends? The fucking things suddenly works that's what fucking happens.

But I put on my best (a frequently worn) misery face and bitched a bit and what did I get?

DavepodTNG (the next generation) a black, 60gb, video I-pod. Will it be more reliable, (shouldn't think so), will I just knacker it after two months and never cross over the 4,000 song mark (probably) I've got another years warranty to fuck about with it and know did I will get fucked some more on the way.

* I did not have a wet dream about Dr Who

nor have I ever done so.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Fact Ten

Factosis Level: High - Additional warning: this post contains a particularly poor and smutty joke

Whilst he was in prison, the US Government struck a deal with renowned mafia boss 'Lucky' Luciano (the man who had formed the National Crime Syndicate) to use his mafia connection to assist in the WW2 war effort.

Luciano provided Mafia assistance to counter possible Axis infiltration on U.S. waterfronts, and his connections in Italy and Sicily were used to obtain intelligence and ensure an easy passage for U.S. forces as they moved up through the Italian peninsula. Both during and after the war, the U.S. military and intelligence agencies reputedly also used Luciano's Mafia connections to root out communist infiltrators in Government departments.

It is rumoured that in return for his services, Luciano continued to run his crime syndicate in prison without interference. He was later parolled for his help but forced to return to Italy.

*** I got 64 & 65% for my assessments which has goes down very nicely indeed thankyou very much.

Website of the Day: for those of who you want to cement the bonds of a life long relationship. Or alternatively, if your bitch has run off with another pussy you can divorce them as well.

Monday, June 26, 2006


I figured how to add links at last.

Hurrah !!!!!!

Me and Ron are going out to celebrate.

Oh Dear

I get my results back tomorrow. Having handed in 31,000 words, I'm rather hoping that some of them may produce positive results?

While I resist the urge to wet myself, I thought I'd draw your attention (if there is anybody there...hello?) to some fabulous articles what I wrote.

Writing For E-Commerce - Does exactly what it says on the metaphorical tin

Mark Le Fanu - He's an important person. General Secretary of the Society of Authors no less

And there's also Please Don't Eat Me a poetic sage of cannabalistic parents attempting to devour their children.

I shall try and adds these to my website without ruining the whole thing.

Have I mentioned Yes I think I must of, how could anyone possibly forget

Quote of the Day: "Don't pay any attention to the critics. Don't even ignore them" Samuel Goldwyn.

Or it could've been: "Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day."

Or: "Why did you name him Sam? Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named Sam!"

Bless you Goldwyn, an anecdotists dream...

Friday, June 23, 2006

My Complaints

I've sent this letter to Virgin Trains today. Let's see if they respond and what they've got to say for themselves.

Dear Sir/Madam

To say I was dissatisfied with the service provided, prior to and during my, return journey from Penryn Cornwall to Stone-on-Trent on 10/06/06, and back on the 16/06/06, would be an understatement.

I continually checked your website for discounted tickets for the five weeks prior to taking my journey. On none of these occasions were there any discounted ticket for the 10/06 or on 09/06 or the 08/06. I was therefore forced to purchase the Std Saver for £73.50. That’s almost £20 more than I’ve paid in the past. I was then upset to find this ticket did not even feature a seat reservation. I called up the customer helpline to see if something could be done about this; the last thing I would want on a 7 hour journey is to stand. The advice I was given by the operator was to turn up early to get on the train first. How very helpful. I tried to complain at this point via your website only for my e-mail complaint to be rejected and returned twice.

I followed the train instructions on the ticket arriving in Truro at 11:30 with a forty minute wait until my train to Birmingham at 12:14. Fortunately I checked the departures list before leaving the station. The 12:14 train did not exist. I was able to run over the platform and get a train to Plymouth and change there for Birmingham. Neither of these trains were more than half full so why were there no discount tickets?

Thankfully the journey was smooth from then on. This could not be said of the journey back. Where the 10:49 from Wolverhampton was over an hour late. With no seat reservation I ended up switching seats three times in a carriage with no air conditioning.

I think you would agree that I have not a reasonable level of good service and would expect to compensated for the considerable inconvenience I have suffered.

Yours faithfully

David Paul Nixon.

Quote of the Day: "When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, 'It's in the script.' If he says, But what's my motivation?, I say, 'Your salary.' ~ Alfred Hitchcock

Monday, June 19, 2006

Stoke Glorious Stoke

I’ve been holidaying this week in sunny Stoke-on-Trent, the countries leading county for derelict buildings, call centres and smoke damage.

Two of my friends got married. They also have a kid and house. I myself have debts, a room in a house with a landlord who I would happily pour petrol on if he was on fire, and an uncertain and tough career future.

My life is f****d

In the meantime it’s time to celebrate the launch

Yes that’s right where you can learn all you could possibly need to know about me as a writer.

The site address again? and admire the wonderful wood finish I’ve used as a background.

All this and more at

The phobia of the day is Phagophobia, the fear of being eaten.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Please Take a Moment to Read This Urgent Appeal

"I too didn't used to take that dreaded affliction of Factosis too seriously. It seemed like a ridiculous thing that someone had probably made up to flog some books and newspaper articles. But then it struck the very heart of my own personal life.

My father, whilst surfing the internet, suddenly discovered the fascinating fact that the only member of ZZ-top who didn't have a beard was called Frank Beard.

This sent him into a dangerous spasm. Levels of interest in the brain are sustained by tiny endorphins called Trivians. This nugget of information was so tantalisingly interesting that trivians gathered so quickly around the knowledge centres of his brain, that he fell to the floor and scrambled around like a badger in a cement mixer. And this was a man used to all kind of interesting bits of information, he was an accountant after all.

This could've been avoided. If he had known about the dangers of Factosis then he would still be making sense today. A small donation of £72 .61 a week would pay for someone to have a full frontal lobotomy and stop these tragedies from occuring."

Stay in doors and don't learn anything. And stop to think about the dangers of Factosis"

- that bloke out of steps, not H.
For further information please e-mail

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Fact Nine

Factosis Level: Medium

Martha Mitchell, the wife of US Attorney General John Mitchell, claimed illegal activities were taking place in the White House during the Nixon administration. She was subsequently diagnosed as having delusions as a result of mental illness.

Of course once the Watergate Scandol broke, she was revealed to have been totally correct and totally sane.

This lead to the creation of The Martha Mitchell Effect, where a psychologist accidently believes a patient to be delusional because there claims are unbelievable or held with excessive conviction.

Quote of the Day: "My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden" - Eric Morecambe

Wednesday, May 31, 2006


As usual, I cannot do anything right.

When I finished my job as an Oxfam bookstore manager (yes, someone actually gave me a position of responsibility) last September I had been taxed in full.

Sensibly then, come April, I decided to apply for a refund.

I could not find one amongst the 20 odd phone lines that applied to me. But I phoned one, and they were able to put me through to the right person who was then able to send me a form.

I returned the form.

Unfortunately there’s no box on the form to say ‘full time student’, so without any box to tick, I ticked the one which said ‘self employed’ on the basis that this would maybe be the case in the future. I then put my earnings as zero.

I then, with relish waited a whole month, then on my doorstep a beautiful brown Inland Revenue envelope. I opened with considerable admiration, 500 quid would once again be mine. What did I get?

A full length tax return to be returned at the end of the year.

Happy? Was I f**K

I phoned up the Revenue, and the third person I spoke to was able to help me. Unfortunately my records had been transferred down to Cornwall, they will have to be retransported back to Cardiff, before I can have my refund processed.

It would probably have been quicker had I sat down and put a cross or a zero in every bloody box.


The delusion of the day is Unilateral neglectwhere one denies ownership of a limb or an entire side of ones body

Monday, May 29, 2006

Fact Two Revisited

Factosis level: Medium

The 2001 Paedophile episode of Brass Eye received 2000 complaints and 3000 calls of support after it was first aired.

MP Beverley Hughes described it as ‘unspeakably sick’ but had to admit she hadn’t seen it and neither had Tessa Jowell who advised the ITC to take measures to assure that such a programme could be prevented from broadcast.

In the aftermath of the show, The Daily Star wrote a damning article about Morris next to a piece about the then 15-year-old singer Charlotte Church's breasts under the headline "She's a big girl now", and The Daily Mail featured pictures of Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie, who were 13 and 11 at the time, in their bikinis next to an anti Brass Eye article entitled, "Unspeakably Sick."

The Quote of the Day is from Neil Innes of the Bonzo Dog Band, who performing playing at a charity concert stated that “I’ve suffered for my art, now it’s your turn.”

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Woe Is Me

I am, as those who know me will testify, a person with a tendency toward misfortune. Let me give you an example:

Last week I put on the post below about my article on cufflinks.

I wrote a rather unkind remark about the sort of people who might buy cufflinks.

I attached a link to the site.

The owner of that site discovered a new link had been created to his site and checked where it had been linked to.

In his view writing an article, which in theory encourages people to buy cufflinks, and then effectively takes the piss out of these people, tends toward the counter productive side.

And he was not very pleased with me.


Apparently things have been smoothed over, but I would like to apologise to him and assure him that I was very grateful to have the opportunity to write for his site, and was only attempting to funny ( I attempt quite often ) and realise in hindsight that this was pretty inappropriate when you think about it.

I hope I have grovelled enough now.

Ron sympathises with me

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Everybody loves Cufflinks

That legendary article I wrote on those wonderful cufflinks is now available.

History of cufflinks

And there's an article about Sheffield Silverware.

Sheffield Silverware

Neither of which have been credited to me. This will be rectified!

If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, where exactly are bad intentions going to take you?

Phobia of the day is Christianophobia, fear or dislike of Christians

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Fact Eight

Factosis level: HIGH

The sport of dwarf tossing originated in either the United States of Australia, the sport involves men of extremely small stature being padded up and thrown onto mattresses by comepetitors.

The sport has attracted much contraversy. The sport was popular in Florida but a ban in 1989 meant the governor could revoke the licquor license of any bar taking part in the sport.

The sport was prohibted in France in 2002, on the ground that it caused a public disturbance with considerations of human dignity. It is however up to local authorities to enforce this law. No legal action against anyone has yet taken place.

A fine of $5,000 is payable in Canada for those breaking the 2004 'Dwart tossing Ban act' however this law failed to define the size of a dwarf and as a result many contest now use more contestands of a more average height.

The winners of the Dwarf Tossing world championship held in 1986 were the English team of Danny Blue, Roy Merrin and Lenny The Giant.

The official dwarf tossing chant:

This dwarf is made for tossing,
and thats just what he'll do,
One of these days this dwarf,
is gonna toss all over you...

Delusion of the Day: Fregoli Delusion, the belief that various people you meet are in fact the same person

Check a real life case of the male fear phobia on the comments for the aborted fact 5

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Fact Seven

On 24 March1975 Alex Mitchell, a 50-year-old bricklayer from King's Lynn actually died laughing while watching an episode of The Goodies.

The episode 'Kung Fu Capers' caused a playground stir by introducing the Lancastrian martial art of Eckthump, which involves hitting an opponent over the head with a black pudding.

A scene in which Bill Oddie, master of the art, defends himself against bagpipe whielding Scotsman, caused Mr Mitchell to laugh solidly for 25 minutes until he died of heart failure.

His wife later thanked the Goodies for allowing her husband, who had been unwell, to die in such a 'pleasant' fashion.

Quote of the Day 'Writing about music is like dancing about architecture' - Elvis Costello

Thursday, May 04, 2006

I-pod hell once again.

Davepod IV is now on the critical list with little hope of recovery.

Cure you Apple blah blah... revenge etc ete... Long live Davepod V and so and so on.

I feel I must apologise for the poor (even by my standard) punctuation of the previous post. The thought of my factosis attack made me less receptive to sensible editing. That coupled with the Blessed picture obviously. I will see to it that it does not happen again - to that extent.

The Dellusion of the day is Capgras delusion: the belief that a close relative, friend, or spouse has been replaced by an identical-looking impostor.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Fact Five

The original fact five had to be removed from this blog because it was so quite interesting, so jammed packed full of trivions, that it threatened to send my readers (all 3-4 of them) into a state of total factosis, a condition where the mind becomes so receptive to a piece of information that it literally overloads. I myself once fell victim to a full blown attack of factosis which, sent me rolling around the floor like a rabid horse in an earthquake.

To recover, I had to be placed in a sensory deprevation tank where I was able to learn no new factual information for at least 48 hours until my mind returned to a state of absolute calm.

Factosis is not a laughing matter. It is one of my long term ambitions to set up a foundation and a helpline for people have suffered and lost valuable pieces of information through this debilatating condition. A helpline number is now pending.

Todays phobia is Androphobia — a Fear of males

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Fact Six

Pies have been around since 2000 BC in Egypt and was later passed onto the Greeks and then spread to the Romans by around 100BC (already a thousand years old). The first known pie recipe came from the Romans and was for a rye-crusted goat cheese and honey pie.

The Pie came to England in the 12th century and were predominantly filled with meat. The crust was known as the Coffyn and was used as a container, for a long time the pastry was not eaten.

Pies, are of course, also used for acts of comedy. Here are some people who have fell victim to random pie attacks.

Jeremy Clarkson
Prince Charles
Jean-Luc Goddard
Bill Gates
Calvin Klien
Kenny Rogers
William Shatner
Claire Short
Anne Widdicome
Andy Warhol

Today's Phobia of the day is 'Lalophobia or Laliophobia' a fear of speaking

Saturday, April 15, 2006

More Great Things By Me

I have more spectacular things (2 articles and 1 story no less - careful, contain that excitement) on the bloc website.

An interview with multi-milllion selling author Robert Goddard (he talked to the whole class, I taped and then wrote it down), Publishing a magazine (It's on that magazine I'm writing for so it's only fair I write about them) and 'The End of Summer' ( A short weepy).

Phobia of the Day: Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia — Fear of the number 666.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Fact Four

No one knows for sure why moths are so facinated by the light

It is thought that moths navigate by maintaining a constant angular relationship to a bright celestial light (such as the moon), but on encountering a bright artificial light it navigates by maintaining a constant angle to the light, resulting in the moth flying in a spiral until it hits the light source.

This cause problems because moths circulate the pollen from night blooming flowers. Could this be a harmful long term problem for the environment?

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

What Not To Eat

The following conversation appeared on the Falmouth College Writing Message board and is relayed here in appropriate chronological order.

Please see below the contents of a memo we have received from Channel Four.
Please remember that the reputation of the MA in Professional Writing course is dependent on students and staff ensuring credibility with industry professionals.
The Editorial Team is taking this matter very seriously. We are in the process of identifying those responsible for this misconduct.
From: Lifestyles Programme Editor, Channel 4
To: Editorial Team, MA in Professional Writing, UCF.
Re: Celador Productions: 'You Are What You Eat'

We are concerned that considerable time and expense has been wasted from our limited budgets by students attending University College Falmouth.

Dr Gillian McKeith Inc., (the 'World Authority on Nutritional Eating and Bowel Movement Studies'), received details recently of a potential candidate for the forthcoming series of 'You Are What You Eat'.
The information came from someone calling themselves 'Vince Matthew', and suggested a fellow student named David P Nixon as an individual who might benefit from Dr McKeith's guidance and nutritional programme.

Mr Matthew included details on Mr Nixon's current diet, which he suggested consists of 'various forms of cheese, Pringle crisps and litres of Coca Cola - supplemented only by a bi-weekly carrot'.
You are no doubt familiar with the format of the programme. Dr McKeith and her crew scheduled a weekend down in Penryn, and began secretly filming Mr Nixon in preparation for confronting him with evidence of his imbalanced diet.

Dr McKeith was disappointed and angered by the results of this investigation. Rather than a nutritionally dysfunctional intake of food, the following eating diary compiled by Gillian suggests that in fact Mr Nixon sets an excellent example to his peer group of young males:

Saturday: Breakfast - 'Activator Smoothie' and pumpkin seeds; Lunch - Tofu and Bean Burger with Watercress;

Dinner - Mackerel and Pine Nuts with Avocado Sauce. Mineral Water.

Sunday: Breakfast - Quinoa Porridge with sunflower seeds; Lunch - Pumpkin Stew with Butternut Squash Mash;

Dinner - Miso Soup with Tofu, and Spinach Sprouting Seeds Salad. Mineral Water.

Dr McKeith and her team were furious at this misrepresentation of David. Her team observed, however, that Mr Nixon appears to wear a padded corset to hide an extremely impressive six-pack and toned abdominal definition. They did wonder, therefore, if this time-wasting exercise did involve an element of collusion...
We would be most grateful if you would ensure that those responsible for hindering Dr McKeith's international crusade to improve eating habits and stool formation be identified, and Celador Productions be notified of the miscreants in anticipation of potential legal action.

A letter of apology has been sent to Mr Nixon, who regretably received an e-mail from Celador Productions before this hoax had been uncovered, which included the phrase 'We have been watching you, you cheese-chomping coke-guzzler, and your malnourished over-caffeinated days are numbered'.

Yours in anticipation,
Hilary Killjoy
Lifestyles Programme Editor, Channel 4.


RajanGuest Group31 March 2006 at 2:11pm

I, for one, would like to support the investigations that the Editorial Team are conducting into this serious matter.
I think it is dreadful that members of the course should behave in this way.
On behalf of all career-minded, right-thinking students, I would like to apologise unreservedly to Ms Killjoy, Dr McKeith - and indeed to David - for this very poor lapse in judgement displayed by nameless members of the course (another excellent reason that Christina quite rightly insists that we do not put up entries on this board under false names - childish behaviour).
If I can help in anyway in tracking down the culprits, please let me know.

Yours disgustedly


Editorial TeamGuest Group31 March 2006 at 2:16pm

Thank you for your support, Rajan

RajanGuest Group31 March 2006 at 2:17pm

You are welcome.

Legal TeamGuest Group31 March 2006 at 3:05pm

In view of recent events David Paul Nixon is currently seeking legal advice in reference to the ‘You are what you eat’ incident. Our client has been greatly troubled by these accusations and feels that he has been misrepresented as a cheese-chomping coke-guzzler. We would also like to point out that any corset Mr Nixon may or may not wear is for medical purposes only, and that any accusations of collusion are totally false.

We were also asked to relay the following message on behalf of Mr Nixon.

“I’ll get you next time Rajan, you massive W*****”
RajanGuest Group31 March 2006 at 3:15pm

Guys, want to find out more about having the confidence to alienate people, make yourself generally unpopular and gain an official David P Nixon-accredited 'Massive W*****' nomination*?
Take the test...
* more valuable than a Blue Peter Badge at the moment - and you can sell your title on e-bay...

Monday, April 03, 2006

Fact Three

Many films released in Malaysia are significantly edited and cut.

The following is a selection of films banned entirely.

Saturday Night Fever, Babe 1 & 2, Zoolander, Schindlers List, Bruce Almighty, Daredevil, Sin City, Brokeback Mountain, Saving Private Ryan, South Park, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, Blade, Underworld.

In Zimbabwe 'The Interpreter' was banned by a September 2005 interdict from President Robert Mugabe Office, stating that the film is “mischievous” and a “subtle denigration of our head of State by the Bush administration and the CIA.”

Dirty Harry is currently banned in Finland, From Dusk Till Dawn was banned in Ireland for 6 years after its release and What's New Pussycat was banned in Norway for some reason.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Fact Two

Angered by restrictive cuts to the contraversial
show 'Brass Eye' Chris Morris decided to get revenge on Channel 4 director Michael Grade by inserting the subliminal message 'Grade Is a Cunt' into the final episode of the series. The show was not recommisioned.

In revenge Morris sent a letter to Nelson Mandela describing how Grade had campaigned to keep him in prison and another letter posing as Grade to singer Paul Simon explaining why he thought Art Garfunkel was the more talented out of the two.

As a tribute when Adam & Joe paradied Morris's other show 'Jam' in their sketch Goitre, they included a similar message which does feature on the DVD but is damn impossible to track down. The Brass Eye message has been ommited from that DVD.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Fact One

In my adventures in Professional Writing I keep coming across random stupid facts (did you know that Cufflinks predate the shirt) and I feel the need to spread these interesting tidbids to you my loyal and vast (cough) audience

Fact One - The Pokemon episode Electric Soldier Porygon/"Dennou Senshi Porigon" is currently banned from television because on its original airing it caused seizures in 635 children in Japan, a move which saw the show suspended for 4 months with the credit sequences significantly redesigned and new regulations introduced for animated shows to control the use of flashing light sequences on television.

There are currently 7 banned episodes of Pokemon. Other reasons include one character dressing up like Hitler posing with a gun and a female character examining her oversized breasts. Several episodes were banned because of the use of this character and her racially insensitive appearance. She was later redesigned.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Movie Magic

Here is my review for the most recent film by director Woody Allen, "Match Point".

The most tedious waste of time I have ever had at a cinema. The thing about good screenwriting is that it has structure, it doesn't just go and on and on and on and on...until eventually it end which is what happened. It was bad enough that it was too long and very dull but it didn't bloody know where to end. This is supposed to be a great director, and he didn't know when to end that damn thing. There was an absolutly blindingly obviously good place to end it when the sequence which open the film was repeated, when a good a framing device wasted. Then meanders on into some, quite frankly, bizarre scenes with James Nesbitt as a light comedy detective with a hunch, The main character seeing and talking to ghosts.

Not that the rest of the film is any better. Just what we need, an American director making a film about the upperclasses. Another film which suggests everyone is repressed, rich, dreadfully nice and has a house in the country. Brian Cox, a fine actor, is wasted. Jonathon Rhys Meyers couldn't be more cold and unlikeable. His girlfried is wetter than the Atlantis Diving School but by the end you couldn't feel more sorry for her. I didn't believe for a second he was capable of killing her (yes I've spoiled the plot but its wank anyway) Scarlett Johansson's character is no brighter by any means. Despite some early chemisty between them both, by the end you would quite glad to see them all dead. The most satisfying ending would've been Johansson returning from the brink Action Hero style and gunning the lot of them em down in a bloody massacre.

The plot is unnoriginal and cliched and just tiresome. The only fun thing in the whole film is the long list of random cameos and some of those are pretty odd. And I think somebody would here it if you fired a shot gun in a london flat don't you - PLOT HOLE

Don't go and see this film. If you are a die hard Woody Allen fan and absolutly clinically need to see it download it or buy it from illegal means so as not to put money into the hands of the pillocks who made it.

These are professionals, talented people. Would could've possibly pocessed them to make such amateur crap.

So there

Coming Soon

Look out for my much less inflamatory article on Tom Hanks in the film magazine Movie Magic/Big Screen

Friday, March 17, 2006

Real True Life Stories

This story is abosulutly genuine, its on the BBC site if you don't believe me.

Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal.
The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.
They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.
"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.
Mr Alifi, Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.
"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up".
Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case.
"They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.

Monday, March 13, 2006


For those of you who enjoy being unsettled, I have the following piece of advice.

Put your hands flat up against a wall. Then stand a arms length away, not stretching, just at normal arms length. Then without moving your feet, take your arms away, rub both your elbows hard, then try to touch the wall again.

Freaky isn't it.

I went into a SKA cafe yesterday, and asked to see the Specials

I haven't had a quote of the week before, but I think this needs to establish a precedent.

I just happened to turn on the end of Channel 4's Actors greatest Actor countdown. My good idol the lord high Brian Blessed said of Judi Dench:


Monday, March 06, 2006

Tom Hanks

Did you know Tom Hanks descends from the same family line as Abraham Lincoln.

The following link will provide a critical insight into Tom Hanks's views on Harry Potter

Saturday, February 25, 2006


This is Ron Mael


You can read another one of my stories on it's called "Day Two" if you can find it.

Police Academy 8 is due out next year. Even more of the old cast are on board!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A woman approached me the other day and asked for an example of a double-entendre.

So I gave her one.

I don't know what happened to the other Potter titles. Did I subconciously delete it through shame? Maybe I did.

No one will ever know......................................

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

R.I.P. Dave's I-pod the Third

I suffered a tragic loss last week when Davepod slipped from my fingers and landed upon the ground, tragically severing the hold button link, cutting off all use to the buttons. As a result the I-pod was crippled beyond repair. Another victim of A: my clumsiness B: crap, fragile, apple technology.

I would appreciate everyones patience while I come to terms with this great loss.

Long live DavepodIV

Seriously just sixth months, that's all I fucking ask.

I'll get you next time Apple Yououou

Thankyou for the nice gentleman on their store helpdesk who replaced it for me

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Hell Is Over

Today I handed In Assessments

Hurrah, Hurrah, Life Is good

But there will be more assessments

More assignments on their way

Like a virus that will not be defeated

They will be back

And once more I will take up arms and fight the evil

Drive away the darkness!

But not today....

Today I can relax

Saturday, January 21, 2006


As requested here is a quick run down of many of the albums I have procurred before and since Christmas with a quick review of under 15 words. I'm not naming where I got them (I could) but I will mention the price. I also shalln't talk about all of them because I've only so much time in the world. So In no particular order:

The Kinks: The Kinks - Cooler than a choc ice in the antartic
The Kinks: Kontroversy - not as good as the previous one but still pretty damn cool
Both bought together for £3
The B-52's: Good Stuff - Excellent fun, a much underatted band. £1
The B-52's: Cosmic Thing - Stupid mostly, but some surprisingly beautiful songs too, again excellent £3.50
Brian Wilson: Smile -Weird, but fun £3
Supergrass: Road To Rouen - Been threatening to go melodic for a while, it's worked well for them. Copied
Ladytron: The Witching Hour - Some strong stuff but better songs on Light & Magic - Copied
Talking Heads: Speaking in Tongues - Good but songs are performed better live on Stop Making Sense- £3.50
Paul Simon: You're The One: It's got a good sound but hardly his strongest material £1
Led Zeppelin: IV - It's got Black Dog, Rock N'Roll and that one about the staircase, need I say more, Copied
Brian Ferry: Mamouna - Doesn't bother to write his own songs very often, should've written better ones here - £2
Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster: Horse Of Dog - Rock's Like a bitch, which is nice £2
Ordinary Boys: Over the Counter Culture - Nothing to write home about, a few good tracks £3
Futureheads: Futureheads - sharp and entertaining indie rock, copied
Prince: Purple Rain - He's a fun wacky, chappy £2
Broadcast: Tender Buttons - Like Ladytron, but not very good, copied
The Go Team: Lightning, Thunder, Strike - Indie, Dance, fun explosion, perhaps a tad repetitive, but still great copied
VHS or BETA: Night on Fire - To many instrumentals but some good indie, dance, electro stuff on the whole. £1
Tim Booth: Bone - Excellent, should've called it a James album then people would've bought it. £1
Elbow: Leaders of the Free World - Suffers in comparison to their previous two, title track ace. Present
Lou Reed: Transformer - a genuine classic £3
Peter Gabriel: 2 - the weakest Gabriel, despite ace cover
Talk Talk: The Very Best Of: Mostly excellent stuff from an overlooked group. £3
Echo & The Bunnymen: Porcupine - Some of the songs are soooo good. Fine stuff £3
Dead 60's: Dead 60's: Always good to here ska, album would benefit from some pace changes
and less filler. Copied
Depeche Mode: Playing the Angel- Business as usual, usually singles better than their albums. Neither great here. copied.

Blessed & The Daleks together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to lie down..................................