Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Look At Me I'm Wonderful

My talents have finally been recognised, well by a small select number of people anyway.

I've made my first short film, well when I say made, I wrote it and appeared in it. It was made by myself and group of my fine, fine colleagues at university college Falmouth.

And it's rather good if I may say so myself.

And I do, frequently.

Watch it here

Quote of the day: "I intend to be a freak for the rest of my life, and I shall baffle you with cabbages and rhinoceroses in the kitchen with incessant quotations from "Now We Are Six" through the mouthpiece of Lord Snooty's giant poisoned electric head. So theeeeeere......... "

Vyvian Stanshall of the Bonzo Dog Band

Monday, September 25, 2006

The Legend of Mrs Baggit

There are many, many myths and legends that surround and take place within the rustic county of Cornwall. This is one of the lesser known, more modern legends....

Back in the early 50's, a lone widower, Mrs Irma Baggit, was bothered and rather upset about the amount of litter being left outside her little rural cottage. She would spend hours clearing up this rubbish and taking care of the dry stone walls and hedge rows. But still the litter would gather.

Then one fateful day in June she happened to catch some school children carelessly dropping the paper from their half eaten portion of chips across the road. Angrily and hastily she dashed out of her house, brandishing a broom to threaten the young boys. But she was so hasty that she did not notice the juggernaut lorry speeding down the road.

The lorry flattened her, crushing every tiny bone in her body and making an unbarable bloody mess across her precious road. She was dead.

But her spirit could not rest, not while her precious roadside was being littered. So she went away from the light and became the vengeful spirit of street cleanliness. She sought out the boys who befouled the road outside her house with their chip wrappings.

Both boys awake the next morning in extreme pain. During the night one of each of their kidneys had been removed mysteriously (she had dreamed of being a surgeon in a previous life before being supressed by the oppressive male governmental regime).

And thus the terror of Baggit began. Chewing gum leavers found the fingers nails torn out during the night. A news paper dropper found his big toes taken clean off, both unawares during the night.

To combat this wave of terror the council wisely hit upon a campaign to combat littering in which Mrs Baggit became the symbol of clean roadways across Cornwall, her smiley face appearing on signs in laybys across the whole county.

This lead to the end of the attacks but in recent years the campaign has faded into memory and been forgotten and only a few of Mrs Baggit's warning signs still exist.

Although the legend has died down we should by no means be complacent, as this group of spritely youths discovered.

This photograph sees them openly mocking the Baggit legend as afterward they had a beach barbecue and did not clean up after themselves. They awoke next day to find their arms and legs tied together with extracts of their own intestines.

So you have been warned. Don't drop litter or else the Baggit will get ya!

Quote of the day: "Anybody that's involved in a workshop and isn't a light engineer, is a twat" - Alexei Sayle.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Vengeance Sweet Vengeance

I forgot when I left my old residence to vent my spleenful of hatred, in regard to my old landlord, all over this blog.

I used to reside in pleasant, but thoroughly dull, town of a Penryn, lodging in a house with possibly one of the most small-minded and petty individuals I have ever had the misfortune of not assaulting.

A man dull enough to place under every light switch in the house a little sticker saying 'Please turn off when not in use'. A man who described in great detail to one of my housemates who she could twist the bolt and open the front door by using only one hand if she was carrying something. A man who gave us a two hour discussion on how the house was kept clean and provided with a two sided printed table of how all the tasks were variously divided up between us, with an ascent on how many he did himself.

There are many tales I could tell of this petty man. There was one time when I decided not to put the recycling from the kitchen in the bin to be collected the following morning because the bin was already full. I came to the kitchen later for my evening snack, he had placed his carbboard sign (he kept one ready in a draw) telling us we needed to take the recycling out, determined not to do it himself. So I thought f**k it and did. Ten minutes later I him, from my bedroom window, checking that I've done it right. No what was the bloody point of him making me do it if he's still going out to check??? In a sense he was right to check, I had deliberatly placed it precariously on the top in the hope it would blow away in the strong wind and he'd have to pick it up in the morning. And to top it off they didn't take it because we'd put out too much.

To stick with the recycling, I was in a rush once and tipped all my empty coke cans into the bin without crushing them. When I got back he'd crushed them himself and left them in front of the gate for me to see what he'd done and what I was supposed to do. I promptly stepped over them and left them for him to pick up, which he did.

I'd say this anal attitude was due to him having a small penis but his girlfriend is fifteen years younger than him and I hardly thinks its likely she's spends time with him for the sparkling conversation.

I tried my hardest not to leave any stone unturned when I left his residence, having been given a three page letter on the various ways I was to clean up my room. Unfortunatly there is simply no way to fight somewhat operating on such a petty, small minded, beaurocrating, patronsing level so I ended losing £30.

This wasn't a great loss and aggrovated as I was I decided to let it go. However just last week I bumped into one of my fellow housemates who had a long discussion about his deposit with this man on moving out the house, which had sent the landlord into a tantrum. Afterward he threw away all the unclaimed mail for both him and myself, which included bank statements. This is very serious and has reawakened my thirst for vengeance.

So I have decided to hit back. Not hard when it comes to such a petty man. So I'm going to inundate him with internet ordered free samples. So far I've ordered him:

A whiskers kitty starter pack.
A copy of pyschic magazine.
Free pet food samples
An information pack about 'Gut Week', which took place in August.

More will follow....

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Fact Thirteen

Factosis level - medium to high
The critically panned 2005 film of 'Fantastic Four' was not actually the first film outing for the comic hereos.

In 1994, low budget film supremo Roger Corman made a low cost version of the film but despite getting a release certificate of PG and a marketing campaign of publicity poster etc the film was never released.

The exact reason why is not known. It is thought that it may have been produced as an 'aschan copy' - they produced a film so the studio could keep hold of the rights (the opinion held by Stan Lee) until it was ready to make a big budget picture

The film still remains unreleased despite rumours that it might be released with the new film DVD.

A website article features an supposed way to get the film. This can be done by donating $20 to a charity trying to raise money for the many animal/pet victims of Hurricaine Katrina

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

In the Year 1995...

Sandon High School Year 7 Report for David Paul Nixon

Mathematics: Level 4 65% David works quietly but effectively and is making good progress. He works well in class and with homework but must continue to try and work on his presentation. He’s a sensitive, well-motivated and pleasant pupil.

Science: 44% David has steadily improved his contribution to class reviews over the year. He now needs to improve the presentation of his good book work.

English: 57% level 3, David is a very quiet pupil who lack confidence in his own ability. His reading is somewhat hesitant and the presentation of his work is generally untidy. He does however have plenty of ideas which he does not succeed in committing to paper.

Technology: 85% An excellent exam result which reflects David’s academic ability. His theoretical and written work have been good but he was not at all organised in his practical, in fairness this was not helped by his accident.

History: 77% David is a conscientious and hard-working boy who is a pleasure to teach. This is an excellent result for him.

Geography: 78% There has been a pleasing and steady improvement in the standard of David’s performance during the year. He has settled, avoided distractions and begun to gain confidence. His examination performance was very pleasing despite being weakened by a poor section on weather.

French: David is capable of producing some good work in French. His confidence is improving slowly and with careful checking, especially of spellings, he could be successful in this subject.

Music: 79% A good exam result. David has worked well in class and has produced some good work.

Art: 52.8% David has ability in this subject. His efforts have been somewhat erratic. Practice is essential in observational studies gained in homework and class tasks. Satifactory.

P.E.: David needs to become more involved in all activities if we are to see any distinct improvement in performance. A more determined effort is required next year.

R.E. 57% David needs to improve the both the quality and content of his written work. At times David is slow to settle but is generally making good progress.

Form Tutor Comments: David has adjusted well to school routine and is progressing well in his studies. Clearly the presentation of his work is an area that he must address.

Head teacher Comments: This report contains some very encouraging & pleasing results of which David can feel proud. I hope that he will continue to build on these successes & that he will grow in confidence. Attention needs to be given to the rules of presentation.

Pupil Comments & Action Plan: I must improve my presentation in particular. I will concentrate on my handwriting. I also could have done better in my exams if I’d revised more. Besides my presentation I think I’ve done quite well.