Wednesday, February 28, 2007

The Not Particularly Big Quiz

In the desperate search for content, I've decided to start a quiz.

Who are these people better, or more popularly known as?

There is a sort of prize, should anyone enter. I will copy, for the person who gets the most correct answers, a DVD of their choice from my large collection (not porn), assuming of course that my copy software accepts it.

Send your entries to

And anybody suspected of googling or wikipeeding for answers will be disqualified (at least one of the answers is deliberately difficult)

1:Simon Templar
2:Archibald Leach
3:Robert Bruce Banner
4:Farrokh Bulsara
5:Peter Sutcliffe
6:Oswald Chesterfield Copplepot
7:Eric Wimp
8:Joseph Merrick
9:Tom Riddle
10:Béla Ferenc Dezső Blaskó
11:Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili
12:Robert Tewilliger
13:David Robert Jones
14:Paul Metcalfe
15:David McDonald
16:Shawn Corey Carter
17:Robert Dylan
18:Daniel Handler
19:Jeff Albertson
20:John Taylor

Your chances of winning will be drastically increased if nobody else enters.

Friday, February 23, 2007

The Factosis Institute

Dave Paul's Place is proud to announce the launch of a charitable cause which has for too long been ignored by the mainstream conscious.

The Factosis Institute is dedicated to aiding the prevention of a potentially lethal condition. As it say's in the introduction:

"If It's Interesting, It's Dangerous.

Factosis is a serious condition. It's caused when a person learns a fact or piece of information, that is so colosally interesting, that it causes an influx of trivians to the nerve centres of the brain, causing complete cerebral shutdown. The Factosis Institute is dedicated to introducing you to such dangerous pieces of information, so that they can be learnt and studied in a controlled environment, and not learnt unexpectedly by unsuspecting members of the public."

So read carefully my friends, take your time, prepare yourself mentally, and read these important fact and only then will you be protected from learning the unexpected and ending up, like one man I spoke to, who, on learning that Sean Connery was once arrested for speeding by PC James Bond, collapsed to the floor and flailed his limbs about like an octopus on roundabout.

Be safe, be carefully informed.

The Factosis Institute

Monday, February 19, 2007

Fact 16

Factosis Level - Strong

Although technically Pac-man can be played forever, as the levels continue to be generated, the 256th board is considered 'the final level'. Due to a glitch in the game, the board appears split, half normal, with the other half a garbled mess of text and letters.

Although it has been claimed that someone with enough knowledge of the game could navigate the maze and complete the level, it is considered impossible to complete without cheating.

Rumours persist however, of an American boy, Jeffrey R Yee, who reportedly scored 6,131,940 points, a score only possible if the player has passed the Split-Screen Level. An acheivement which supposedly gained him a letter of congratulation from President Ronald Reagan.

In September 1983, Chief Scorekeeper at the Twin Galaxies Intergalactic Scoreboard, took Pac-man on a tour of the East Coast to visit video game players who claimed they could get through the "Split-Screen." but all attempts failed. Later, in 1999, Billy Mitchell, expert player of arcade games, offered $100,000 to anyone who could provably pass through the Split-Screen Level before January 1, 2000, there were no takers.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Tales of Injury 3: The Final Woundings

1996 - Broken Leg So, I was trying to get home early, so I could do my paper round. I splashed out 35p on the bus (those were the days) and went to cross the road. There are dual roundabouts at Meir Heath crossing, there is a Lollipop lady who crosses people over the island between the two. I crossed over the first half without any trouble at all. The Lollipop lady then stops a juggernaut lorry for the second half and then moves toward the 2nd lane. I confidently follow her into the road, and assuming that all traffic has stopped, stride toward the 2nd lane. But I step ahead of her. A Volvo, not seeing either of us because of the lorry, drives past. I walked into the side of it as it’s passing by me. My left leg strikes it, I spin on my right leg and fall onto the ground. I don’t know that I’m seriously hurt, so I try stand up.

That hurt.

I have broken my leg and dislocated my ankle. At hospital, they plan to snap my leg back together. They put me under, but discover a broken piece of bone in the way, so they remove it. I later discover my body's complete aversion to anaesthetic and spend the whole next day vomiting. When the police came to get a statement from me, they noted that there was absolutely no mark on the car whatsoever, not even in the dirt. I didn’t stand a chance.

2004 - The Mystery Hernia I don’t know how I got a hernia. Maybe it was from hulking cripplingly heavy suitcases to the station that Christmas and stubbornly not taking a taxi because it was only ten minutes walk. There was no moment when I was in agony. I first noticed the injury while playing car ball ( A game where you try to throw a football into the open windows of car as it drives around in a circle. On getting a ball in a window, you get to sit in the car to defend it) when I felt a pulled muscle sensation above my groin.

So, I visited a doctor in March, who said I’d probably got a hernia. He made an appointment for me to visit a specialist. The appointment came through in June, where a specialist confirmed it was a hernia, but because I was finishing University that week, I couldn’t have an operation scheduled. So I arranged to see a Doctor back in glorious Stoke, who reiterated that I did indeed have a hernia. So he arranged for me to see a specialist who, in September, told me once again that I had a hernia, and put me on the waiting list for an operation. I got this appointment the following February with 7 days notice; they have to treat within 6 months, so they had to clear the list and if I couldn’t make it, I might have to wait another 6 months, I had a ticket booked to London for that day, but that’s another long and irritating story. I didn’t like the anaesthetic any more then than the previous op.

If anybody any suggestion about what I should write about in future, please feel free to suggest.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Tales Of Personal Injury 2

1993 - The T.B Injection: Nobody likes having an injection, but I took it like a pre-pubescent man and thought nothing of it. And it was sore afterward, and I did scratch a bit. What no one could've predicted was that I would come out in a large rash and grow a scab the size of a satsuma - though this provided a handy shield against punching, but the rash wasn't pleasant. The nurses were puzzled and I was sent to hospital to take a variety of tests and no one really seemed to be sure what was going on but it seemed, by this time, to be in remission, so there was no fuss and in the end, there was just large amounts of anti-septic cream to spread over me on a regular basis.

1995 - Broken Arm: To be perfectly accurate, I did in fact, break the bone just below my thumb, but as this connects down the entire of my arm, I got the full plaster treatment. I would like to say I earned the injury by playing rugby, but I didn't even get a far as the field. I was running to the field (in a bizarre show of enthusiasm) when I skidded on my football boots, fell, and landed on my arm. Of course, no one thought it was serious and I was viciously mocked and remember being so upset that I cried - plus the fact it really hurt. Apparently this bone is really hard to break, and is more commonly broken by the elderly.

The Requested Tale Of A Near Miss: I was at the seaside with my Mum and Dad. I was sat on a wall by the beach; there was pavement on either side of the wall and I was casually making fun of my Father's baldness or beer belly, I can't remember which, then he would chase me a little. When he got close, I simply rolled over the wall. Unfortunately, the pavement on the other side had changed into steps, to lead down to the beach below, and when I rolled over, there was an approximately 15 - 2o foot drop to the pavement below. However, my fall was broken - by my own arse. I landed on my backside and was surprisingly unharmed. I did hurt a little, but if I remember rightly, there was not even a bruise. I was totally unmarked, unlike the time when I fell on the spike of a metal log basket...

Next time - My altercation with a Volvo at a roundabout, and the mysterious hernia...

Monday, February 05, 2007

In the Year 1996...

Mathematics: 34% Level 5, David has worked steadily – but he must learn to ask for help when he needs it, instead of worrying, which just rocks his self-confidence.

English: 60% Level 5, David always shows interest and I have been pleased with the quality of much of his written work. He now needs to concentrate on organisation + presentation.

Science: 69% David is a very pleasant young man who works hard with great interest. Perhaps some attention could be paid to his presentation skills.

Technology: David has proved to be a conscientious and diligent worker who has tried his best to produce a very good DT/business project. Well done David.

P.E.: David does find this subject difficult but he must persevere more if he is to make progress.

I.T.: David is a quiet pupil who works very well and has achieved a good level of IT capability. He shows interest in the subject and has produced some excellent work. An* very good exam result.

French: David needs to put more effort into his work as I find him lacking in motivation. Assessments in reading & writing are quite good but listening & speaking need more work. Presentational skills need some attention.

Geography: 71% A very good result. David’s work has made very good progress this year. He still needs to improve the presentation of his work. David also needs to improve the quality of his written work.

History: 71% David always puts great thought and imagination into his work, and he has made a major contribution to some creative group presentations, he should now work on the detail and presentation in his writing.

Art: 63% David shows great enthusiasm for this subject. He has a very positive attitude** and is not afraid to be ambitious in his work, looking forward to further progress next year.

Music: 79% A pleasing result. David works with a quiet interest in all aspects of this subject. He should not underestimate his abilities.

R.E. 92% David works steadily in class and has a good understanding. The quality of his written work tends to let him down. Excellent exam result, well done.

Form Tutor Comments: A good report that David has earned through hard work. He should be pleased with this good result. Sometimes David lets his relationships with fellow students get on top of him. A growth of self-confidence will help out here.

Headteacher***: David has obviously worked very hard for the success that he has gained this year, and for this he must be praised. In year nine he must (next few words are unreadable) he concentrates on his own performance and improves this by setting targets suggested within his report. Keep up the good effort!

*Her mistake not mine, and the sad thing is that she spent her time typing that comment and aligning to fit in the box when she printed it because she was the IT teacher and thought it best to type. This same teacher would later be discovered to be having an affair with one of the DT teachers, this was shocking not just because he had a wife and kids, but also because he could do better.

** What?

***This was actually written by the head of year, the headteacher was probably too busy working on her hair-do****.

**** It was an impressive and intricate hair-do.