Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Tales of Personal Injury 1

Because the most interesting things that happen to me each day tends to be what I pick from beneath my toenails, I've decided to relate some of my past tales of anti-glory, from my archive of tales of woe.

This week, I begin the telling of the 7 occasions that have sent me to hospital.

Sometime in 1984 - Cracked head open after falling out the back of a van.

Naturally I don't really remember what happened, but apparently I'd just learnt how to run and was darting around the back of my Dad's van (it wasn't moving) and just ran out the back and landed head first onto the gravel.

Sometime in 1985 - Cracked head open again.

My brother was chasing me around the showers of a swimming bath, so guess what happened? He's always had it in for me...

Sometime in 1988 - Growth pains.

Admitted to hospital where I lay in bed with my leg in a sling and raised due to the weight attached to it. I seem to remember that I was only supposed to be there for a few days, but this was extended for 2 weeks, I was not able to appear in the Christmas play, though I was out for Christmas. Didn't get a class card, but I good a hardback book about the nativity from the teacher, who I didn't like. She was called me stupid for colouring my hair in green in picture, not realising my colour vision deficiency.

Coming next week: The TB injection fiasco and the breaking of my arm during rugby lesson (not as cool as it sounds)

I am accepting request for tales of misfortune to be retold here should anybody have any favourites.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Fact 15

Factosis Level: High. Medical Advice: Place head in fridge.

Kenneth Pinyan, also known as Mr Hands, regularly engaged in sexual activity with full size stallions, in particular one known as Bullseye. He would often film these acts and distribute them.

He died on the July 2nd 2005, his colon was ruptured during filmed intercourse, where a stallion had anal sex with him. He died of peritonitus in hospital hours later.

The incident lead to the illegalisation of bestiality in the state of Washington, as well as filming such acts. The man who filmed the incident was later charged with tresspassing because the video was shot on a neighbours land. Despite thorough investigation, no evidence of animal abuse or cruelty was found.

Pretty sick I know, but it was a choice between this and the story of how three people died on the set of Twilight Zone: The Movie, which is very unpleasant. The death of someone who died for being a sick, stupid bastard, however, is ripe for amusment.

I need something better to do with my time.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Al-Qaida Place Bounty on Kofi Annan

Picture submitted by Helen Elizabeth Ward

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Guardian F***wits

As part of the 2nd place victory gained by the website I used to help run, the authors of the site were awarded a cheque for £250.

Minus the expenses from going to the awards, this money was going to be spent on a bar tab as part of a final party for the wonderful folk on my course.

However, the geniuses at the Guardian made the cheque out to Bloc-online is not actually a person. They seemed to be under the impression that this was the kind of operation that had a budget or an account to deposit said cheque into.

So, because I'm generous, great and a one day candidate for canonisation, I assumed most of the debt for the time being.

This has left me £160 out of pocket.

So imagine my delight on hearing that the cheque had been reissued, had arrived, and was ready to be cashed in.

One slight problem.

No one's actually signed it.

What a bunch of w*****s

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Blog Entry Postponed

This weeks blog entry has been postponed until something interesting happens.

The likelihood of such an event is not considered likely.

In the meantime I offer you this gratuitous link

And another

Thursday, January 04, 2007

OH DEAR LORD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've just heard the horrible, horrible news.

Police Academy 8 is cancelled, on indefinite hiatus because of a lack of funding.


In case I don't make it through this, I just want you to know that I love you all*.

* Not you Phil.