A little part of me died this last week. My mum sent me to Aldi with a receipt and a tin of 21p spaghetti hoops; she’d bought them by mistake and wanted me to go to the till and exchange them for a tin of beans.
The cashier didn’t even bother to put it through the till
Still, it wasn’t as bad as the day my innocence died – the day I went in a shop and found them charging 15p for a chomp. This whole world is fucked!
I did see Ross Noble this week. He was very good; though I definitely enjoyed listening to him speak more than gobby woman in the audience.
The definite highlight (and he recognised that this was the part we’d all be talking about the next day) was when he started to juggle Oatcakes – Stokes local delicacy, and source of considerable local pride*.
I included the picture of them wrapped up to make them look less like a severe damp stain.
And also I gather that there are almost no other possible circumstances that could prevent my cheque (remember the cheque) from arriving. I still shalln’t get my hopes up.
But in the meantime, why not enjoy the sophisticated prose of Jim Theis’s legendary fantasy saga ‘The Eye of Argon’, famous amongst sci-fi and fantasy fans as a legendary and unique genre masterpiece. The first tantalising chapter is reproduced here to give you a taster:
"The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the Norgolian empire. Age worn hoof prints smothered by the sifting sands of time shone dully against the dust splattered crust of earth. The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescense from overhead, half way through its daily revolution. Small rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives. Dust sprayed over three heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while they bore the burdonsome cargoes of their struggling overseers. "Prepare to embrace your creators in the stygian haunts of hell, barbarian", gasped the first soldier. "Only after you have kissed the fleeting stead of death, wretch!" returned Grignr. A sweeping blade of flashing steel riveted from the massive barbarians hide enameled shield as his rippling right arm thrust forth, sending a steel shod blade to the hilt into the soldiers vital organs. The disemboweled mercenary crumpled from his saddle and sank to the clouded sward, sprinkling the parched dust with crimson droplets of escaping life fluid. The enthused barbarian swilveled about, his shock of fiery red hair tossing robustly in the humid air currents as he faced the attack of the defeated soldier's fellow in arms. "Damn you, barbarian" Shrieked the soldier as he observed his comrade in death. A gleaming scimitar smote a heavy blow against the renegade's spiked helmet, bringing a heavy cloud over the Ecordian's misting brain. Shaking off the effects of the pounding blow to his head, Grignr brought down his scarlet streaked edge against the soldier's crudely forged hauberk, clanging harmlessly to the left side of his opponent. The soldier's stead whinnied as he directed the horse back from the driving blade of the barbarian. Grignr leashed his mount forward as the hoarsely piercing battle cry of his wilderness bred race resounded from his grinding lungs. A twirling blade bounced harmlessly from the mighty thief's buckler as his rolling right arm cleft upward, sending a foot of blinding steel ripping through the Simarian's exposed gullet. A gasping gurgle from the soldier's writhing mouth as he tumbled to the golden sand at his feet, and wormed agonizingly in his death bed. Grignr's emerald green orbs glared lustfully at the wallowing soldier struggling before his chestnut swirled mount. His scowling voice reverberated over the dying form in a tone of mocking mirth. "You city bred dogs should learn not to antagonize your better." Reining his weary mount ahead, grignr resumed his journey to the Noregolian city of Gorzam, hoping to discover wine, women, and adventure to boil the wild blood coarsing through his savage veins. The trek to Gorzom was forced upon Grignr when the soldiers of Crin were leashed upon him by a faithless concubine he had wooed. His scandalous activities throughout the Simarian city had unleashed throngs of havoc and uproar among it's refined patricians, leading them to tack a heavy reward over his head. He had barely managed to escape through the back entrance of the inn he had been guzzling in, as a squad of soldiers tounced upon him. After spilling a spout of blood from the leader of the mercenaries as he dismembered one of the officer's arms, he retreated to his mount to make his way towards Gorzom, rumoured to contain hoards of plunder, and many young wenches for any man who has the backbone to wrest them away."
More horrific than the love child of John Prescott & Anne Widdicomb, more gut-wrentching than 7 back-to-back Hollyoaks omnibusses, its:
Tor Johnson is Joseph Javorsky, a Russian scientist who defects and is flown under the highest security to an airstrip in the middle of a desert and than whisked away under the protection of two people.
But those wiley Russians send two other people in a car after them, and Javorsky is forced to flee and run amongst the rocks of the surprisingly un-flat Yucca Flats. But unknown to him, he has wondered onto a nuclear testing facility*.
After an explosion he is transformed into 'The Beast' an insane creature who very gently strangles his victims to death.
Now running amok, and having kidnapped the obligatory woman, it's up to the cop guys or maybe the airport guy or maybe that other guy who's searching for his kids to run about a lot and stop him.
But it is the spine-tingling dialogue that bring The Beast of Yucca Flats alive, as is the actors unique ability to throw their voices, as they never deliver their lines and appear on screen at the same time.
This much quoted film has many, many famous lines.
Narrator: "Touch a button, things happen. A scientist becomes a beast."
Narrator: "Boys from the city, not yet caught in the whirlwind of progress, feed soda pop to the thirsty pigs."
Narrator: "Joseph Javorsky, respected scientist. Now a fiend prowling the wastelands, a prehistoric beast in a nuclear age. Kill, kill just to be killing."
Narrator: "A man runs, someone shoots at him."
All this and more in The Beast of Yucca Flats, unsuprisingly available to download for free via the public domain.
If anybody watches it and wants to give their theory as to how Tor gets all the way from the middle of the desert to a town house to strangle a woman in a low cut top at the films prelude, I'd be glad to hear it.
Samuel Goldwynism of the day: “I don’t want yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.”
Despite putting on what I thought was a pretty good performance, I was not called back for a 2nd interview. I was disappointed; although at first I was a little uncertain as to whether I wanted the job, it did look like a really nice place to work.
I got an e-mail saying that the standards of interviewees was high and that they went with the person with the most experience. This of course may mean that they went with someone who had been to the theatre more than twice in their life.
Oh and I went to Amsterdam didn't I? Yes that was fun, and I'm not being sarcastic* I did really enjoy it. Amsterdam is a really beautiful and chilled out place, the only trouble was in fact caused by, well us - and one loud mouthed twat in particular**
After spending the first night rowing about where to go and getting hacked off and going back to the hotel a bad mood, it really picked up on the 2nd day. I got eyed up in a gay bar and then paid 45 euro's to go into a topless bar where we could drink as much as we liked for an hour while the husband-to-be watched the barmaids insert various items into their vaginas and perform a variety of tricks.
It was called the banana bar and I'll say no more.
Selected films featuring Robert Z'Dar BODY SHOP (2000): Two years after a women is killed in a fatal car crash, the trio of teenagers responsible for her death are suddenly being murdered - one by one. Each of them faces a horrible, bizarre death apparently devised by the dead woman's husband, a deranged two truck driver.
Z'Dar puts in a bravura performance as 'Shop Owner' IMDB rating 3/10
ZOMBIEGEDDON (2003): When the "zombie-looking freaks" begin taking over the world, dirty cops Jeff and Cage find themselves in the unenviable position of having to stop them before it's too late. Jeff learns that he alone has the power to defeat them if he's up to the task. But internal affairs officers investigate them for their prior wrongdoings, time is running out...
Warning - features Joe Estevez
IMDB rating 2.1/10
ROCK N'ROLL COPS 2: THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES (2003): With a Guitar in One Hand, a Gun in the Other, They Kick Hollywood's Butt.
is a writer for better and for worse. I got in above my station writing for M&S, but was credit crunched down to writing about sex toys, Viagra and herpes meds. I’m now taking a step back towards legitimacy by writing for JML Direct. I’m awkward and don’t like much.