Not in the Stars

I think most of accept that horrorscopes are a load of old b******s. But as if the point needed emphasising any further, here are five of my horrorscopes from last Thursday. Have a read, and just imagine what kind of revelatory, life changing day I might have had, if even half the things of predicted by these c**p spurting f**knuts had actually happened:


Claire Petulengro – The Metro

If you don’t treat yourself as a first class citizen, then why should others. You’re allowing yourself to believe things, which are not true. You’re gorgeous; now let others know this fact too please.

Unknown - Yahoo

You have a non-stop day in front of you, Virgo. You are likely to be bombarded with email and voice mail from people asking your advice on a particular issue. It is flattering to be in such demand, but the attention makes it difficult for you to get anything else accomplished. Your frustration may be such that you swear off helping anyone. Just when you feel you're going to snap, someone lavishes you with praise, motivating you to respond to yet another crisis phone call.

Unknown - MSN

Working out the benefits of introducing energy saving gadgets into your home looks like a viable idea.

Mystic Meg – The Sun

As Venus settles into your commitment chart, a relationship that seemed to be just for fun turns into one with a future. At work, you have the right mixture of charm and confidence to make real progress. Your ability to forgive a relative shows strength. Luck calls at door 76.

Shelley Von Strunckel – The Evening Standard

The Virgo Full Moon may not take place for about two weeks. But it’s time to acknowledge and reflect on the emotional side of your life. Obviously this involves your concerns and complaints, but you’re also encouraged to focus on those arrangements that bring joy to your life.

I suppose my old favourite Ms Von Strunckel* is probably closest to the mark. After all, what she says is absolutely f**k all, and that's pretty much what happened on Thursday. It's odd, Strunckel used to be the most flowery of bulls******s.

Although there's some truth in the first one...