Consider the image above. This is a bottle of Tesco flavoured water, purchased by me and later consumed (the water at least). You may want to take note of the date… Says 2006 doesn’t it?
That’s a long time ago. A long, long time for a bottle of water, especially after you’ve drank it. Many people would’ve reacted with horror at the thought of drinking something so far past its sell by date. Me, however, I was excited – I was going to get Tesco for this one. Oh yes, this had to be worth some vouchers at least!
I got right on the case. I visited the Tesco website and sent them an indignant email, expressing my shock and concern that other bottles of aged water were being unleashed on the public. Of course, I didn’t really think an old bottle of water could be of any harm. Besides, the label on the bottle was recent, so it was probably just a labelling mistake.
Nevertheless, they had a responsibility to make sure they printed their labels correctly, or else things could potentially go wrong. Tesco were quite quick to reply, I had a phone call within 24 hours. The caller expressed his sincere apologies and asked if I could visit the store I purchased it from, so that they could check and ensure no other bottles were on sale.
So I prepared for my visit, rehearsing in my mind my lines of dialogue. My concern, outrage and upset - my insistence of compensation, just a token gesture, it needn’t be anything huge.
I arrived at the store armed with the offending bottle, and got the attention of a nervous supervisor, who took the bottle away for examination. I waited for quite some time, keeping up my stern front of seriousness while pacing in front of Cadbury’s Cream Egg display.
Eventually the supervisor returned and pointed out that the 2006 was part of the bottle registration, and the sell by date is the month and year marked above, June 2012.
Makes sense when you look at it.
So with my bottle gripped angrily in my fist, I departed. My hopes of a compensation bonanza dashed, I skulked despondent into my local Greggs. In desperation, I purchased a steak slice and a sausage roll*, crossed my fingers, and hoped for salmonella.
* As Greggs was packed full of customers, I can only conclude that there are a lot of desperate people in this world.
Coriolanus (2011) Ralph Fiennes, Gerard Butler, Vanessa Redgrave, Brian Cox, Jessica Chastain, James Nesbit, Paul Jesson. Dir: Ralph Fiennes.
When heroic General Martius is rejected by his people, he seeks an alliance with his greatest enemy. Fiennes’ directorial debut is punchy and captivating, staged smartly in a striking contemporary warzone, allowing its political and social themes seem powerfully relevant. Strong performances all round.
Dreams of a Life (2011) Zawe Ashton. Dir: Carol Morley.
Documentary about Joyce Vincent, whose death in her London flat went undiscovered for 3 years. A film about how well we really know each other. Joyce was sociable, popular, loved, but uncovered evidence points to a disturbing, secretive existence, unknown to friends, that will probably never be uncovered. Deeply upsetting.
Sleeper (1973) Woody Allen, Diane Keaton, John Beck, Marya Small, Susan Miller. Dir: Woody Allen. After being frozen, a man wakes up in the 22nd century and is forced to become a revolutionary. Witty spoof of sci-fi conventions with charming Keaton-esque touches. Importantly, begins to discuss relationships and sexual politics, laying the way for Woody’s later movies, but loses the thread before the end.
Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970) James Franciscus, Kim Hunter, Maurice Evans, Linda Harrison, Charlton Heston. Dir: Ted Post. A rescue mission arrives, looking for the first crew; meanwhile the apes plan to invade the forbidden zone. Heston’s reluctance to appear means the first half’s spent retreading familiar territory with a dull look-a-like. Later we enter strange territory with a post-apocalyptic bomb-worshipping cult, significantly raising interest. Another startling ending.
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011) Daniel Craig, Rooney Mara, Christopher Plummer, Stellan Skarsgård, Steven Berkoff. Dir: David Fincher. A journalist receives help investigating a decades old murder from an unconventional researcher. Swedish version’s a tough act to follow, but Fincher makes remaking it worthwhile by reinterpreting it as a pacey jet-black thriller. Unfortunately, leads are less ambiguous, becoming a more typical action double-act eventually, though performances are excellent.
Return to Oz (1985) Fairuza Balk, Nicol Williamson, Jean Marsh, Sean Barrett, Denise Bryer, Brian Henson. Dir: Walter Murch. Dorothy’s committed to an asylum for believing in Oz, but when she returns, it’s become a ruin. Doomed to failure – you couldn’t do sugar-coated Oz in the 80s, nevertheless, it’s so dark it almost seems like deliberate critique. Yet you can’t deny the intriguing visual power of its nightmarish world.
Shame (2011) Michael Fassbinder, Carey Mulligan, Nicole Beharie, James Badge Dale. Dir: Steve McQueen. A sex addict faces his demons when his emotionally fragile sister arrives. Effectively shows the dark side of a condition few take seriously. Fassbinder’s sexual hunger masks desperate loneliness, an inability to develop meaningful relationships. Layers it on too thick occasionally, but long unedited sequences give leads chance to impress.
The Artist (2011) Jean Dujardin, Berenice Bejo, John Goodman, James Cromwell. Dir:Michel Hazanavicius. A silent star helps a young actress, but as her star rises, his fades with the coming of sound. Glorious tribute to silent movies, full of witty visual flourishes that showcase the beauty of purely visual storytelling. Endearingly romantic with wonderful humour, it’s difficult not to fall under its spell.
is a writer for better and for worse. I got in above my station writing for M&S, but was credit crunched down to writing about sex toys, Viagra and herpes meds. I’m now taking a step back towards legitimacy by writing for JML Direct. I’m awkward and don’t like much.